The Journey Begins

Hi there, thanks for joining me!

My name is Michael and i am based in Glasgow, Scotland.

I’m 49, married and have been blessed with a beautiful son who is two years old…..i also suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD).

My CPTSD is the result of an accumulation of many traumatic events in my life. Those traumatic events started when i was a young child when i was verbally, emotionally and physically abused by both my parents. This happened on a regular basis until i was sixteen. During this time i also witnessed physical abuse carried out by both my parents against each other.

When i was 26 my father was brutally murdered in his home when he woke up to find a burglar stealing his television. My father was subsequently beaten to death by the man, who turned out to be an ex army boxer. It was said at his trial that my fathers injuries were consistent with those of him being hit by a bus.

In November 2013, along with my best friend, i was standing in a bar called The Clutha Bar in Glasgow when unfortunately a helicopter crashed through the roof of the bar killing 10 people.

In November 2014 i was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). During that year i was extremely suicidal, I had survivor guilt and did not know how to deal with these feelings so i buried them. Later in 2014 it was discovered that i had a tumour in my throat which could potentially be cancerous and I required urgent surgery to have it removed. Surgery was scheduled for December 2014 and a tumour the size of an orange, along with half of my thyroid was removed from my throat. After an agonising few weeks i was given the news that the tumour was benign.

In September 2015, after working a 14 hour day, i came home and went to the loo and blacked out. I woke up in a pool of blood with my head split open. I was immediately taken to hospital to receive urgent attention and my wound was attended to.

In July 2016 my wife gave birth to our beautiful boy, while this was clearly the highlight of my life, i had feelings of inadequacy, fear and catastrophising about the future.

In April 2017 i was involved in a car crash that resulted in me sustaining a head injury and i was admitted to hospital a few days later suffering from a suspected stroke. I begged the hospital staff to let me out as i didn’t want to be in hospital. After an overnight stay with multiple tests i was released with medication and told to return a few days later for an MRI scan.

From this date forward my breakdown began.

When i had flashbacks of the car crash, the bang of the crash reminded me of the noise of the helicopter crashing into The Clutha Bar. The devastation and scenes in The Clutha reminded me of my fathers dead body that i had to identify in the Glasgow City Mortuary. Coincidentally, my father was murdered when he was 48 and i turned 48 last year too. All of these things just became too much to bear and i began to de-construct both my private and professional life in a cry for help as i did not know how to ask for help.

All of these events came to a head in January 2018 where, through my actions at work as a result of my illness, i was suspended from work. This is critical to me as my work has always been my avoidance mechanism for not dealing with all of my traumatic events.

Since January 2018 i have had many dark days contemplating and planning suicide, but with the help of my wife, my son, my best friend and many other people too many to mention i am on a journey to recovery. (Although i will always remember the man that i begged for help and who never helped me)

In April 2018 i was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) by a psychologist in a specialist trauma unit in Glasgow called The Anchor, who since this date have provided me with invaluable therapy and for which i will be eternally grateful.

One of the many ways i have found to help me deal with CPTSD on my journey has been to write poetry. I use my poetry as a descriptor of my journey through CPTSD, a journey on which i am still travelling…sometimes backwards but more often forwards.

So why don’t you come and join me on this journey, it may not always be pleasant but it will alway be honest and accurate….buckle up….

You can follow PoemsFromAMod on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter as well as emailing me at poemsfromamod@hotmail.com

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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